For about five minutes tonight, I got very brave.
Luckily, it was in the shower, where I could do no harm. You see, someone had upset me (scratch that, many things had upset me) and I’d been stewing about it in the shower (a really solid place for stewing), and in the midst of that I somehow convinced myself that I needed to be honest. With myself, first off (telling myself I was not hurt and confused was simply stupid, because I sure as hell felt hurt and confused), but also with those that had hurt me.
So, still in the shower, I began formulating my texts.
To that guy I dated for, like, two weeks : You suck. Seriously, “you didn’t want to hurt me?” I can’t decide if you’re a nice person who thoughtlessly fucked up, or a jerk who pulls this shit all of time, but either way, you need to consider your actions and their implications a little more before you decide to move that fast.
To my mentor-y friend: If you dislike me so much, why are you reaching out? I can tell you don’t care for me. You pretty much display your attitude towards me with a big flashing sign. It’s troublesome to us both, so why not stop?
To a co-worker, of sorts: Telling me you hated my work is okay. It actually sucks more to realize you altered things behind my back. So yeah, go ahead, critique me. I’ll say “okay,” then fix the shit that needs to be fixed.
To the guy I wanted to date: You can do what you want with this information, but I’m basically infatuated with you, and have been for ages. If you want to pretend I never said this, that’s okay, because I value you so much that I’ll continue wanting to hang out with you regardless of the rejection, and if you want to stop seeing me altogether that’ll hurt a lot, but that’s fine too. I just can’t let thing hang over me anymore.
To my brother: You done fucked up. But God, I love you so much. It kills me to see you hurting like this, and if there was anything I could give, anything I could do, you would have it. I hate the way this happened. I want to have you back again, without this dark cloud over you.
Despite this brief period of ballsy-ness, these texts were never sent. And they probably never will be. As soon as the shower was over, and before the mirror stopped being misty, I was resolved to not say anything. But hey, they ended up here! Where none of these people will ever see them…ever….
Honesty might be the best policy, but it’s a tough one to follow.